And The Best Shittiest Beer In 2006 Is...

Michelob Ultra. Yes, it makes my heart ache. But apparently not my stomach. I don't want to believe it, but indeed, Michelob Ultra wins as the best shittiest beer in 2006 -- but barely. Click the link below to download the Xcel file with raw data, statistics, and graphs. There were some interesting finds, including one that may help explain how the HELL Michelob Ultra won the contest. Ultra was the beer that gained the most points from Round 1 to Round 2, indicating an increased appreciation for its benign, if not banal flavor. Comments like "water" were written on the scorecards, which was evidently a good thing because "at least it isn't #3 (Round 2)," which was, of course, this year's abysmal loser, Rolling Rock. Rolling Rock was the only beer that was given below-zero scores (which I reinterpreted as the lowest possible score of a "1"), and Rolling Rock was also the only beer that was WORSE than Steele Reserve, an abominable malt liquor. As for the statistics, if you're a stats fiend, you'll find little in this data worthy of your Nature publication. I discovered that people's palates differ enough to make our seemingly large sample size statistically insignificant. To account for this, I compared the cumulative scores of each beer's "taste," "aroma," and "overall" from both Round 1 & 2 to reach a sort of "integral beer score" for each insulting ferment. Importantly (at least for Portlanders), PBR Light came in a close second place as the best shittiest beer for similar "not enough taste to taste bad" reasons; PBR Light was also a beer that gained significant points in Round 2 with, again, comments like "water" on the scorecard. Interestingly, PBR "regular" came in just one burp better than Steele Reserve. ...PDX, don't hurt us! We didn't mean it! ...we just...we didn't know...look, we like the "Light"...really!

Feel free to submit any of your own interesting statistical maneuvering to the AstroSite. I look forward to the responses, further findings in the data, and a repeat of "The Best Shittiest Beer Fest" in the future. Thanks for playing, it was great fun!

Some Findings:
PEOPLE WITH THE SAME FAVORITE BEER BOTH ROUNDS -- Oyer: PBR Light; Erik: Coors Light; Evan: Steele Reserve
PEOPLE WITH THE SAME WORST BEER BOTH ROUNDS -- Jeff: Steele Reserve; Victoria: Steele Reserve and Olympia; Kurt: PBR; Kirsten: Bud Heavy; Erik: PBR; Ian: Natty Ice; Billy: Fosters, Natty Ice, Steele, Rock Lght, Bud HeavY
MOST CONSISTENT BEER BETWEEN ROUNDS -- Kokane, with a total StDev of 2.0 is a consistently "decent" shitty beer
LEAST CONSISTENT BEER BETWEEN ROUNDS -- Keystone Light and Michelob Ultra, with a total StDev of 3.2. This makes Keystone Light the least consistent "decent" shitty beer, and Ultra a least consistent, but "best" shittiest beer
PERSON WITH THE PICKIEST PALATE (lowest total scores given) -- Billy, only 141 total points given
PERSON WITH THE LEAST "REFINED" PALATE (highest total scores given -- Bridget, with a generous 279 total points given
MOST INCONSISTENT DRINKER (highest variance between round 1 & 2 -- Bridget, 10.9 point variance. It sounds like Bridget will drink anything inconsistently!
MOST CONSISTENT DRINKER (lowest variance between round 1 & 2 -- Erik, 1.4 point variance (Billy was 2nd at 2.8)
BEER WITH THE BIGGEST COMEBACK IN ROUND 2 -- Michelob Ultra, possibly after people realize that it was a beer that had no taste, thereby not repulsive
BEER WITH THE BIGGEST LOSS IN ROUND 2 -- Rolling Rock and Miller High Life (cans), possibly after people realize, "oh yeah, I remember that one, and that was about as bad as Round 1 got"
BEER WITH THE MOST COMMENTS WRITTEN ON THE SCORECARD -- Rolling Rock, with comments like "urine" (Katie), "-1" (Christina)

CLICK HERE! for the Results of the Best Shittiest Beer Fest 2006

1838 days later: "10,000 Days"

It has been nearly five years since Tool's last album release, Lateralus; naturally, there was considerable anticipation about their latest album, 10,000 Days. Whether intentional or just a consequence of a pursuit of perfection, bands that release albums every five years take a risk: high expectation from their listeners. This is especially true for Tool since Lateralus, for the most part, is an exceptional album. I attempted to trump all expectations by avoiding a single review or listening to a single track before the release of 10,000 Days. But in the tradition of Radiohead releases (also plagued with infrequent new material), I couldn't help but wonder, "What will (or can) they do next?". And on Tuesday, May 2nd, I got my answer: "Oh no, this packaging is ridiculous". I flinch when artists sell their music embellished in profligate artwork as though it is a guise for the music. But Tool has always wrapped their music in adventurous artwork and the music has not suffered, so I yielded. And when I got home, I realized that the artwork was something quite special. Alex Grey, who also created the artwork for Lateralus, is a truly gifted, albeit extremely psychedelic artist that is a worthy companion to Tool's gifted, albeit extremely psychedelic music. At the very least, the 3D stereoscopic glasses built into the packaging adds a nice "whoa, dude, it's like I'm on 3D mushrooms...or something" effect.

Ahem...the music (see, maybe the artwork is a distraction!). By the time the first notes of the first track, "Vicarious," traverse your auditory neural circuits, you will be rewarded with that distinct feeling that is "Tool:" geometric time signatures of guitar and bass coitus. At the 00:45 mark, the heavy petting is over as coitus turns to raucous. Nice. It is then I realize in all certainly that I am listening to a Tool album. But then something interesting happens at the 01:07 mark: Maynard sings with the restraint of a horny priest. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as restraint in music is a fine art in itself, especially when you have the skills to elicit "auralgasm" at will like Tool. Lateralus demonstrated that the key of mature song writing is to tantalize the listener with slow builds, executing only parsimonious climaxes. This leaves this listener constantly wanting more – consequently, the album becomes a permanent fixture in the music library. But the restraint on 10,000 Days, both vocally and instrumental, is so refined throughout the entire album that the auralgasm is never achieved. So yes, I was let down despite “Vicarious” being a decent song. Guilty as charged: I ultimately did have expectations. Track two, “Jambi,” begins with a quick-wristed guitar mangle that even the Swedish metal-heads would applaud, however, the only climax we get is a one-octave-up, yet-still-restrained Maynard. And then the pace slows for the first of the expected (there I go again!) minimal-vocal-noise-tracks-are-so-profound-but-we-can-get-away-with-it-because-we’re-Tool (or Radiohead) tracks, “Wings For Marie (part I)”.

And now for the positive spin. Track four, “10,000 Days (Wings Part II),” is a rock epic worth every slow-building second. This song is a story. Don’t ask me what the story is about lyrically (I clearly don’t do enough DMT), but for all purposes, it doesn’t matter. This song exemplifies Tool’s ability to forge new soundscapes, as this track slams through a solid two-minute swing in the middle of the track, exploring intricately beautiful, yet elegant jazz-infused rock. Innovative, interesting, and seamlessly performed. I would love to hear more of these sounds from Tool in the future. “The Pot” is another highlight. Maynard’s voice here is brash and reverb-free as he explores a new vocal aesthetic of mantra-chanting, lyrical engineering. This is the only song on 10,000 Days that really lets those Tool-specific endorphins flow as I turn my stereo up to eleven. MORE PLEASE! Oh wait, another noise track. Two of them. By the time the album picks up pace again, I’ve made up my mind: this is a good, but not a great album from Tool. They explore some new sounds, but abandon embracing them. The result is that 10,000 Days falls flat. Tool needs to accept they cannot be both mythically underground and bombastically profound at the same time without eliciting high expectations from their listeners. At nearly 70 minutes in length, 10,000 Days provides almost 30 minutes of “noise tracks,” which, while they may make for a profound acid trip, I get tired of waiting for Tool to do what is does best: music.

NEW ASTROSITE FEATRE!
Click Here to hear a sample of "10,000 Days (Wings Part II)"
Click Here to hear a sample of "The Pot"

BSBF 2006 A Success!

Thanks to everyone that showed up last Saturday for the Best Shittiest Beer Fest of 2006! Aside from some acid reflux and liver cirrhosis, the event was indeed a success. And afterwards we ventured to the Kennedy School to treat ourselves to a proper pint. McMennamins beer never tasted so good! I'll be sure to post the statistics as soon as possible, but preliminary results indicate the beers with the least flavor (and thereby the least offensive), Michelob Ultra and PBR Light, were the big winners and the beers with the most "flavor," for example, skunked Rolling Rock, were the losers. In fact, Steele Reserve malt liquor fared better than Rolling Rock (at least in round two)! But no need to jump to conclusions; the actual results will be posted soon on The AstroSite. In the meantime, look for a review of the new Tool album, "10,000 Days" in the near future.

The (return of the) Best Shittiest Beer Fest

The sun is a shinin'. The birds are a chirpin'. The barbecues are a cookin'. And the beer is a flowin'. The Rainy Season is drying up, my friends. But that doesn't mean that we can afford all of those swanky summertime brews. So when the wallet goes flat, what's the beer to swallow instead of to spit?

Welcome to the return of "The Best Shittiest Beer Fest," where we seek to find...well, the best tasting cheap beer (and also the worst tasting expensive beer). This event is a blind taste test of various "shitty" beers, where each beer is scored anonymously, tabulated, statis-tic-alized, and ranked. Do you really think your favorite shitty beer is worth your dime? Put it to the test! Do you really think your "quality" $7 'sixer of Heineken is worth the fluff? Put it to the test!

(1) Just choose a beer from the list on the flier (click on the picture to make it bigger), (2) make sure no one else has already claimed your favorite shitty beer, (3) POST A COMMENT ON THIS BLOG to claim "your" beer, (4) reach into your pocket for the $1 admission fee (Portland Parks liquor permit), and (5) go to Wilshire Park, NE 33rd & Skidmore on SATURDAY, MAY 13th at 5PM. And since shitty beer goes well with non-shitty food, bring some barbecue grub (we will need volunteers to bring a couple grills). ...But there's more! After we've had enough shitty beer (IMPOSSIBLE!), follow us to the KENNEDY SCHOOL (7 blocks north on 33rd) to end the night with a non-shitty pint.

The person responsible for bringing the "Best Shittiest Beer" gets a soggy certificate, a bottle of Tums, and a free pint (or two) at the Kennedy School! ...and ALL of the leftover shitty beer, which there will be plenty!

Rain or Shine (but it can't really rain in May, can it?).
I hope to smell you there.

Where Did I Leave My Concert Review?

Last Monday night, April 24th 2006, I finally saw Ryan Adams in concert, although I doubt he saw me. Not that I was hoping our eyes would meet and stars would fall upon the heavens, rather, the fog that inhabits Ryan's brain may be too thick to see much of anything beyond his own neuroses. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Ryan is foremost a poet, and if history has any law, poets are not sane people -- quite the contrary. Of course there are rare exceptions, but Ryan Adams reminds us that brilliance is the only friend to a truly lonely soul. Even Ryan acknowledges this maxim as he warned the crowd, "don't ever date me".

The brilliance in Ryan Adams is a gossamer balance between anguish and bliss. Just the titles of his albums illuminates this: "Heartbreaker," "Gold," "Demolition," "Love Is Hell," "Destroyer," and his thesis title, "The Suicide Handbook". Of course, this brilliance comes at a high cost: the most subtle breeze can cause a collapse. What we witnessed last Monday night at the Roseland Theatre in downtown Portland may have been Ryan weathering a storm of breeze-force winds. He came on stage late; and he came on stage stoned -- very stoned. After fumbling about with papers, cigarettes, a beer, some duct tape, a request for some vodka, and the voices in his head, he eventually found his piano (or his piano found him) to open with a sweet "Sweet 'Lil Gal," the last track on Heartbreaker. He then spoke to "Mr. Lighting Man" to request only red lights -- excuse me, "Stoner Lighting" -- to allow him to focus on the next song, "Call Me On Your Way Back Home". Bliss. Anguish. And frustration that when he did eventually find his guitar and stop fumbling and rambling, the songs were gorgeous. The notes, his voice, and the mood were sharp arrows that cut through the theatre's silence like a thunderstorm. But the frustration would have to be dealt with, as it quickly became obvious that this bipolar emotional ride would become the theme for the evening; however, somehow that was alright with me. I realized that we are experiencing Ryan Adams tonight, not some prepackaged, shrink-wrapped, distilled production that Big Music loves to sell us music fans -- pardon me, "Consumers". We were, in a sense, captivated by Ryan and forced to weather his storm.

Highlights include an absolutely spine-numbing performance of "The End" from his country album, "Jacksonville City Nights," a moonless-night version of "Let It Ride," and a new song, "Two," where Ryan seems to beg for anything but loneliness saying "Now I'm Fractured/From The Fall/And I Wanna Go Home/It Takes Two And It Used To Take One" (Sorry, man. You sold your soul to the devil a long time ago!). After this song I could tell Mr. Adams was running out of steam (or booze), which left me wanting even more (he's doing this on purpose, isn't he!) being that he played only one song from most of his albums, aside from Heartbreaker, and no songs from Gold. But then Phil Lesh came out from behind the curtain, resolving an earlier mystery as to who "Phil" was that Ryan kept yelling at behind the stage most of the night. For those of you unseasoned to the 1960's counterculture, Phil Lesh was the bassist for the Grateful Dead. Together, Phil Lesh and Ryan Adams winched the crowd from the depths of anguish into the heights of bliss, jamming for nearly 20 minutes through a continuous track of Wharf Rat/Bird Song/Magnolia Mountain (Cold Roses track). Their fingers and voices wandered aimlessly, but were never lost. Bliss. Anguish. And no longer frustrated.

Ryan Adams is like a really good book in that the best ones are often the most difficult to read. The performance I experienced last Monday was exactly that: a difficult experience. But an experience nonetheless. It will be hard to forget the absolute raw display of confusion, comedy, song, poem, frustration, and brilliance. More importantly, it will be impossible to forget how I FELT during the experience, a feeling that will likely be unmatched by any other artist in the future. For that, I thank you Ryan Adams and please return to Portland again soon. Just don't die.
***************************************************************************************
Complete Setlist:
1. Sweet 'Lil Gal
2. Call Me On Your Way Back Home
3. Please Do Not Let Me Go
4. Elizabeth, You Were Born To Play That Part
5. Let It Ride
6. The End
7. Dear Chicago
8. Who Were We?*
9. Everything Dies*
10. My Winding Wheel
11. Solitare^
12. new song on an upcoming Ryan Adams/Willie Nelson album
13. Two
14. Stella Blue#
15. Wharf Rat-->Bird Song-->Magnolia Mountain#

* = new song
^ = Jesse Malin song (opening act)
# = with Phil Lesh