Lately I've felt increasingly uninspired, bored, and even lazy. This was especially true this evening as I looked out at the orange hues opposing the long summer shadows and, in a flurry of how to best enjoy the moment, didn't know what to do with myself. Yes, there are (much) worse life conditions I could find myself in, and I realize the fortune I have to even ponder such a "problem". But there was anxiety nonetheless -- anxiety in that moment to find purpose. I have never really journaled, with the AstroSite assuming most of that role in my adult life, so I thought I'd "journal" a quick list of everything I did today to see if that helps me find perspective, purpose, and foresight.
- I rode my bike into work as usual, a mere 4.1 miles with an 850 foot elevation gain. I do love my hills. The weather was (and has been and will be all week) absolutely gorgeous-perfect. In fact, the weather in Portland the past two weeks has been among the best stretch of "normal" summer weather I can recall in at least 5 years. I decided that I would take the long route home later.
- I stained some heart sections (mouse) using a new protocol to try and resolve if chondroitin sulfate proteoglycans (CSPGs) are still present in scar tissue 40 days after a massive myocardial infarction (heart attack). This new protocol seemed to work good enough, which will pave the way for some very interesting experiments given that these molecules are thought to prevent crucial regenerative sympathetic nerve growth into the scar. I’ll have to optimize the protocol and follow-up. I think I will try adding some anti-mouse antibodies during the blocking step along with the new protocol's kit to see if that further resolves the CSPGs.
- I completed preliminary analysis of some neuronal innervation studies from a collaborator at UC Davis looking at how nerves regenerate in heart failure (a very different disease paradigm than myocardial infarction, but important nonetheless). I’ll have to send this back to our collaborator now to see if I stumbled upon anything interesting (I’m blinded to the experimental groups to preserve objectivity, which is a sound scientific approach I'd like to preserve).
- I analyzed some very compelling images showing robust hyperinnervation in scar tissue only 14 days following MI. This will likely not go over well with my boss, but that doesn't matter: it’s real and it may (or should) force a change in the lab because they currently hold the notion (and have built a significant portion of their reputation) that there is no natural reinnervation of the scar following MI, which is why they were excited about developing drugs to promote reinnervation. But my data would show such reinnervation happens anyway — regardless of no drug compounds — but perhaps at a slower rate, which brings me to a point I’ve been making for a while that the lab may want to focus more on the importance of reinnervation timing, not just reinnervation itself. So I’m expecting this won’t go over well but that won't stop me. It's my scientific duty. And this, ironically, is why I fail to integrate into the science community: for being an inquisitive, disruptive skeptic. Perhaps "winetender" at a local grape shop really is my ultimate fate. I think I'll wait until Thursday to drop this bomb -- not right at the holiday break, but close enough to absorb some of the fallout and then have a few extra days following for the dust to settle.
- I injected mice with an experimental compound to see if I can expedite reinnervation (as I just explained) following MI. These compounds have a lot riding on them, including a new drug company formed by the lab. I have my doubts (as I just explained), but we’ll see…
- I rode my bike home and as I planned this morning, I took one of my favorite long routes home for another 9.3 miles and 680 feet of climbing: up the hill to Fairmount, then around the southern bend and back to Humphrey, then down Sylvan and up past the zoo. It's a scenic route, as it provides western vistas of the slowly setting June sun over the Coastal Range. It was just absolutely gorgeous.
- I went to the park and worked out in my "gym". Today was a lot of pull-ups, dips, and hanging acrobatics from the mid-bars. Did I mention how nice it was out today?
- I took an indirect jogging route home to add a nice-N-easy mile to end my workout.
- After a romantic dinner on my veranda of grilled tofu dogs with hummus, olives, grilled asparagus, feta cheese, and black olives (yummy summer dinners!), I played a couple tunes on my guitar and watched the sun set in the northwest. I’ve been chipping away at a new tune that I think is pretty interesting. It has very unsuspecting key changes, which I have a penchant for crafting. But the curve balls in this one are a little drastic, so it may take some finesse to make it work. But I’ll get it.
- I sat for a moment in ennui about what to do next.
- I decided I wanted to go N Mississippi Ave and sit outside on the sidewalk to have a drink. I haven't been over there in a while. I wondered what was going on. I ended up at Radar next to Mississippi Studios. It was lovely. And I felt old, something that's suddenly been happening much more the past year - now that I'm a ripe 36 years of age! It’s become quite a scene over there. There were many people trying very hard with whatever that “perfectly scruffy, quasi-intellectual Portland look” is, but I guess that’s fine. There were definitely some attractive women in the mix but were (a) probably too young for an old guy like me, and/or (b) too boring because I just couldn't see past their perfectly crafted scruffy, quasi-intellectual Portland look, and/or (c) were just fine and lovely and I'm just too old, boring, and grumpy. Regardless, I sat in silence for an hour and sipped a Pfriem ale among a summer’s zephyr (yes! I did not have a glass of wine for once! That sidewalk just wanted a beer). For most of that hour my mind was fixated on all the pretty girls and their dates hopping about. I then realized I haven’t so much as been on a date or even filtered with a girl since…last May? of 2015. Is that a big deal? Does that mean something important? I guess I’m just not ready to move on from my previous relationship. …is that big deal? Probably yes to all of those questions. Anyway, it was soon time to drive back over the vista-laden westbound 405 bridge and gawk at the prettiest gal of them all: Portland, Oregon in summer twilight.
- I dove into M Bar (naturally) on the way back but I didn’t like the scene. I had a brief conversation with some acquaintances and went home. I also was reminded how typical that is of me: I go to a place (often M Bar), test the waters, don't like the temp, and move along to what's next. One night I counted I ducked into over 13 different bars and restaurants before I decided I didn't like any of them that night and went home without a single drink. I'm not sure if that's funny, ridiculous, or mental behavior.
- I decided to watch the film 127 Hours because I heard about during a wine tour with some friends last weekend in the Columbia River Gorge. Good God - that's one of the most intense films I've ever seen. I actually gasped out loud and had to take a quick veranda-for-air break. But it was an excellent film nonetheless.
- Now it's 12:30 AM and, with my bedroom windows wide open to the stars above my head (I really do love my apartment), I'll go to sleep soon and repeat some version of this list once again. All by my boring self.
