Dec 21, 2009

Introducing: "dKOTA"

For those that know me or have even followed this blog, music is important to me. I've been writing my own tunes and playing shows since my High School band, "Seven Day Sail" set...'sail' in Sioux Falls, South Dakota in 1995. Upon entering college, I traded my bass for a Martin acoustic and have been a closeted apartment performer ever since. Until now.

2009 saw my reintroduction into a bona fide band, now named, "dKOTA". I was reluctant to do so for many years, knowing that my perfectionism would be hard to satisfy in a music project with most of my focus on my Ph.D. degree. But the talents I stumbled upon over the past year or so were impossible to ignore, and so perfection became less of a concern when it took so little effort to have so much fun.

I first befriended a New York transplant, Peter, who in addition to being a great guy also happened to play guitar. But like me, his only Portland audience seemed to be his cantankerous apartment denizens. After our first jam session, I knew I was hearing something special -- Peter made my songs sing the way they were intended to, and he did so with a natural, minimal effort. So we played a couple gigs with just our guitars wailing (well, his guitar wailing), leaving all other instruments to fill only my imagination.

And then came Brad and Corey. They were also relatively new to Portland, and happened by one of these band-less performances. Seemingly before I could blink, I was in a house in NE Portland surrounded by the hum of electricity and cymbal rings ready for the first time in over a decade. And now, some months and two bass players later, dKOTA has released its first product: a modest demo recording.

It's not anything to sell or shout about too loudly, especially considering its 16 hour, $200 inception. But it does represent a milestone for myself in that with the band, I finally feel like I'm being heard -- something I think any artist strives for. We have a long ways to go musically, no doubt. But even if just this recording remains as the only token of dKOTA, I'll be happy to know that the emotion in some of my most sincere songs was translated into the language they were intended: a band.

You can hear and download dKOTA's demo for free HERE
And here is our MySpace page (no download option): dKOTA Music

_

Oct 29, 2009

It’s Not Just What You Have, But How You Use It

Somewhere about 1.1 billion years ago the first chemical synapse, the Ursynapse, reared its infant existence into the biological milieu. This exotic structure, a microcosm of the less-evolved “Dude-Bro Fist Pound,” provided biology with a means to perceive and adapt to a dynamic, often hostile environment. Naturally, selected organisms with exclusive Hollywood access to “The Synapse” were more likely to write their fortunes into a lucrative genetic will for generations to inherit. Add a few days to this process, say, between Adam’s failed Spiked Fruit Punch Bowl-A-Thon pun and Noah’s “I’m On A Boat: The Musical,” the synapse crawled from its fish-like primordium into one of the most bemusing, complex phenomena in the natural world. The modern version of the synapse, which emerged from the George W. Bush and deuterostome split about 900 million years ago, can not only perceive and respond to the environment, but it can orchestrate a synchronized symphony of synaptic activity to allow an organism to manipulate the environment.


Environmental manipulation is indeed an observable consequence of sophisticated synaptic activity, but this ability is not unique to humans. The use of tools, a good rubric of environmental manipulation, is achieved from birds to dogs, from elephants to chimpanzees, from humans to Hummer drivers. Yet, the synaptic structure of different species, while seemingly identical at first electrophysiologic glance, can differ dramatically in their proteinacious scaffold. Further, the synapse alone may not fully explain organismal fitness in the same way that my Intel Core 2 Duo processor in my MacBook isn’t much good installed into my TI-83 graphing calculator from college: the hardware (i.e. neuronal architecture) isn’t compatible. So what is it, then, in the < 2% genetic difference between chimpanzees, our closest extant genetic ally, and ourselves that makes the differences between jumping onto a tree and jumping onto the moon? The answer may not be the synaptic tool itself, but how that tool is used.


With such a similar genetic portfolio between the chimp and human, the search for what makes us human is narrowed to the corners of our 2% genetic divergence from a common ancestor nearly 6 million years ago. Some of this divergence is a part of the “Human Accelerated Region,” or “HAR,” which is a fruitful, albeit small archipelago among a sea of genetic doldrums. The HAR archives genetic instructions ubiquitous to the Great Apes – even most vertebrates – yet unique enough in humans to prescribe distinct proteins with (proposed) distinct functions; it’s as though our current genome is the latest version of the ape software: v2.0 OS Human (because Apple ran out of cat names). Not surprisingly, much of the HAR’s archipelago resides within the brain’s governmental jurisdiction. It is here that our ursynaptic family tree first sprouted, and it is here that our human identity and its unchartered future may lie.

The HAR is suspected to code only 49 proteins. This is compared to the tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of proteins that comprise the entire human proteome. But given that we parted from our hairier-than-thou family ancestors a mere 6 million years ago (remember the ursynapse is nearly 1 billion years old), 49 proteins in 6 million years is a hedge fund with some high risk, high gain return. Literally. The risk in our beloved synaptic moxie is that it carries the baggage of an unrefined, imperfect system that can result in neural dysfunction. For example, there is no known correlate of schizophrenia or neurofibrillary tangles (Alzheimer’s disease) in chimpanzees, let alone in our more distal relatives. It is as though v2.0 OS Human is the beta version in anticipation of the debugged and improved v2.1.

Ignoring for a moment the flirt from v2.1 winking at us from the corner, the most salient phenotype of v2.0 compared to v1.7: OS Ape is certainly a profound manifestation of consciousness. While environmental manipulation and tool use can be found in other “lesser” species, humans are the only example of what I’ll call “existential validation,” which is our conscious ability to ponder the essence of our self-awareness. To be self-aware is one thing – something dolphins even exhibit – but to ponder the essence of self-awareness is something entirely more complex, if not uniquely human. Not-so-coincidentally, both psychosis and the faculty of language are thought to have contemporaneously arrived from a single genetic “big bang” event unique to the human species. Hence, it doesn’t require a giant leap for Apekind to posit that this event may be interdigitated with the other rapid genetic changes taking place some 6 million years ago as we upgraded from v1.7 OS Ape to v2.0 OS Human, albeit with some quirks (psychosis, neurodegeneration, etc.) in our new synaptic software.

And so what may come to define v2.1 OS Human? Unfortunately, the ability to understand v2.1 may violate Marty McFly’s time continuum paradox since understanding v2.1 may require exactly that: v2.1 – “Great Scott!”. I realize this is heavy, despite there being no problem with gravity in the future, but it’s no different than trying to illustrate a sphere to an entity that lives in two dimensions: three dimensions are required for a sphere to exist, without which only a circle exists and it’s a logic violation to illustrate a sphere in two dimensions. How then, stranded upon the islands of existential validation, language, and (non-family holiday) psychotic breakdowns, can humans persuade evolution to vote us off our v2.0 island in favor of v2.1? Perhaps we need to add another dimension.

While it is illogical for a 2-dimensional stick person to draw a sphere, it is not illogical for Stick Person (or “Stee-P” as they’re known in the hood) to ponder a sphere. In fact, humans ponder higher-order dimensions right here in v2.0, filling our cortex with the hubris of the 11-dimensional energetic vibrations of String Theory. Except for the tantalizing imagery that may project in most women, it is impossible to illustrate 11 vibrational dimensions in our cozy 4-dimensional realm (including time, thanks to that one German guy, among others). So what might the next dimension of v2.0 OS Human look like that will allow us access to the unchartered v2.1? Of course, no one knows – especially me. But we can certainly ponder.


Very little is understood about the functions of the Human Accelerated Region (HAR), but early indications point toward roles in cortical lamination (the ordered neuronal layers in the cortex of the brain; humans have six layers) and neuronal migration. This furthers the notion that while human synapses largely mirror that of the chimpanzee, it is the hardware by which those synapses align that give us the conscious advantage. The extended consequence of this unique alignment mandates our behavior since, among other extroversions, the functional output of the brain includes behavior no less than the functional output of the heart includes pumping blood and tattooing emo kids. And so if the HAR is dictating a uniquely human proteome that directs a uniquely human behavior, how then could any behavior we elicit usurp the dictation of a genetic mandate? In other words, how can our behavior, from our conscious creation of antibiotics and the internet to nuclear weapons and pollution, be any other than the prescription of our genes selected upon through our environment, which we paradoxically manipulate? If true, this apostasy threatens the intellect of free will into a biological dystopia of Genetic Big Brother. A caveat, however, is warranted here since in the collective sense – that is, the amalgamation of human conscious behavior (nuclear weapons, for instance, were not created by one conscious person) – would be behind the upper-dimensional steering wheel of v2.1, leaving our free-willed, individual behavior as an ignorant stochastic contributor. This is akin to Stee-P’s ignorant creation of a circle that may only be a 2-dimensional projection of a sphere in three dimensions – a dimension Stee-P doesn’t comprehend no matter the pedagogic savvy.


Alas, the seemingly dystopic Genetic Big Brother may actually have a utopic even-bigger sister where 2 + 2 really does = 5, albeit only from the perspective of v2.1 OS Human. The nature of human behavior, dictated collectively by our genes (and possibly the HAR) is an amalgamation of individual behaviors that seeks survival, not extinction. Therefore, perhaps the sum equation of human behavior can only perpetuate our existence. For example, global warming (or “Global Hotting” if you lived in the Pacific Northwest last summer) may actually be a genetically intended consequence of industrialization in that the stress global warming injects into the system incites new behaviors (i.e. technology) to resolve that stress, thereby advancing our species one step closer v2.1. Evolution as we know it is contingent on organismal stress, without which there would be no need for genetic modifications. The uniqueness of the evolutionary pressures on humans is that our consciousness is paradoxically manipulating the environment by which we are being stressed; it’s as though conscious thought in n-dimensions is acting through collective behaviors to evolve itself by perpetuating a constant stress in the system. And of course, we would be completely ignorant to this process since it would be operating from a foreign code, or “dimension,” that is uninterpretable to human consciousness as we know it in v2.0 OS Human.


The human story is most certainly a unique story, no matter the language in which it is told. Our current genetic version is simply the most recent revision of a tale that has percolated the conscious lexicon for centuries, perhaps best framed by Rene Descartes with his “cogito ergo sum”. While the characters and settings in this story are often lucid and resolute, the plot is often cryptic and the finale remains unwritten. Or is it? Perhaps the language of the Creator (yes, that portly white guy with the beard), in all its infinite dimensional contortions, has concealed the plot and its finale much like concealing the nature of a sphere from Stee-P living on a 2-dimensional piece of paper. Humans could very well be just like Stee-P where an n-dimensional sphere passing through our 4-dimensional world is beyond our relegated v2.0 OS Human comprehension.

Or I could be wrong. Completely. The musings above may only serve the purpose to inject a stress, in this case into the reader, and cause everything I say to be consciously ignored in favor of species propagation. After all, a chimpanzee could have flexed its genetic wit to write 98% of this column. Ironically, it took the other 2% for me to realize this. And so it looks like I’ll be stuck with v2.0 for a while longer.

Selected References:

Crow, T.J. The "big bang" Theory of the origin of psychosis and the faculty of language. Schizophr Res 102(1-2):31-52 (2008).

Emes, R.D., Pocklington, A.J., Anderson, C.N.G., Bayes, A., Collins, M.O., et al. Evolutionary expansion and anatomical specialization of synapse proteome complexity. Nat Neurosci 11(7): 799-806 (2008).

Hill, R.S., Walsh, C.A. Molecular insights into human brain evolution. Nat Cell Biol 437(7055): 64-7 (2005).

Pollard, K.S., Salama, S.R., Lambert, N., Lambot, M., Coppins, S., Pederson, J.P., et al. An RNA gene expressed during cortical development evolved rapidly in humans. Nature 443(7108): 167-72 (2006).

Ryan, T.J., Grant, S.G.N. The origin and evolution of synapses. Nat Rev Neurosci 10(10): 701-12 (2009).

Oct 2, 2009

d.J Presents: Urban Legends Vol. 2!


A continuous mix of data-pulsed life in the communicative form of "hip-hop," as some might be inclined to call it.
Free download; I hope you enjoy!

Free download here: Urban Legends vol. 2!

Sep 3, 2009

Urban Legends: Vol. 2*

*Well, not yet. But the unexpected popularity of my hip-hop mix, Urban Legends Vol. 1, a couple years back has finally prompted a response for me to continue mixing, mashing, and pushing the social voice that is hip-hop music. It's looking like this one will be a two disc set using the stitch of rhythm to unify eclecticisms from Tool to Nas. It'll be a lot of fun and I hope to have it completed by the end of September.

In the meantime, enjoy the golden sun that is Autumn in these northern latitudes. I know that I still have an ambitious agenda to fill before the rains return, starting perhaps with a bike ride to Bend this weekend, a summit on Mt. Adams later this month, and at least one more camp among the trees and stars.

Jul 30, 2009

Write Handed

There was a time in my youth when I wanted to be an artist. I suppose it could be argued that I most certainly am one today (perhaps more so than a scientist), but my creative toolbox no longer contains the pen. I abandoned drawing long ago in pursuit of the musical canvas, one that decorates my personal gallery to this day. But at times this gallery is deaf to my acoustics and wishes for a painting outside of the sonic domain. A picture can indeed impress a thousand cliches, but a thousands cliches is at a loss to impress a single picture. For example, there is a mastery that allows a single drawing or painting, such as the Mosa Lisa, to pervade volumes of discourse for centuries. This is more than can be said about many books or works of music.

I don't have the talent, however, to impress an indelible image through the hand, although some talent (albeit to only a modest degree) has leaked into developing images through the lens. Drawing takes a certain preternatural command of the pen that may have more to do with chromosomes than with a waste basket full of attempt. And even those in ownership of such chromosomal fortune must employ diligent refinement. That said, I do think I had a spark of talent years ago, that with a little more flattery, could have smoldered into a brighter flame.

The images below are a selection of drawings that I recently rediscovered upon cleaning out my closet. This is a collection of a lost art, so to speak, most of which was created from the incomplete mind of an adolescent school boy. While they certainly don't feature a command of the pen, I think they do feature an incipient talent in translating the abstract to the actual. Alas, I may never again pick up a pen, perhaps for the better. But if my sonic gallery is ever in shambles, I know just the tool to try for repair.








My New Do-ing!

After four years of being a blogsmonaut, I thought it was about time for a makeover. I hope to tinker further with the template, including an updating photo stream using Picasa, so keep your eye out for further changes to The Astrosite.

Jul 23, 2009

d.J Presents: OceanLab - Sirens Of The Sea


My, my have I been busy lately. I just finished writing and submitting an American Heart Association predoctoral grant (5th grant I've written so far, with a 0-4 record), and I haven't slowed down the sciencing experimentations because 1) I needed preliminary data to bolster my grant, especially since I've only been working with this project for 6 months, and 2) I want to graduate -- now.

But in between paragraphs I worked to ease my mind with a mix featuring the lovely summer-laden soundscapes of OceanLab. All tracks are from OceanLab's (a.k.a. Above & Beyond) latest, fantastically poppy-warm album, "Sirens of the Sea". This was my first attempt at mixing trance, which was WAY more difficult than I expected, especially since I was mixing all tracks from the same artist (albeit from various remixers). My usual progressive house tracks are easier to mix, i think, because there are simply less melodies to weave together, most unlike "Sirens of the Sea".

Anyway, I didn't want to spend too much time on this, as I want to have something to listen to during my months among the summer breeze, which since my grant is now submitted, begin...NOW!

I hope you enjoy "Sirens Of The Sea" as much as I enjoyed making it. The mix is divided into two themes, a lower BPM "Daylight" as a simmer, and the higher BPM "Nightlight" to reach a balmy boil.

Free download: HERE
_

Apr 28, 2009

Sphere Of Influence


In 2002 a reclusive Russian mathematician known as Grigori Pereleman solved the Poincare Conjecture. This arcane topological conjecture describes the boundary - or surface - of a three-dimensional sphere within the same limits of a simply connected, compact mathematical object known as a "2-manifold". The brilliance of Grigori's elegant solution used something known as "Ricci Flow" that is often used to describe the movement of heat, and his accomplishment represents a paramount advancement in mathematics. While the significance of a solved Poincare conjecture may evade even the most ambitious armchair professor, the significance of “The Boundary” as a descriptor has corralled and confounded humankind for eons.

If only the boundary of a 2-manifold would have been resolved sooner, perhaps nautical advancement would have ventured Europeans beyond the "flat world" well before 1492, thereby redirecting the course of history. Or maybe the quantum mechanical probabilistic orbits would have already intersected with the Standard Model to provide us with fusion power. Even more exotic are thought experiments testing the synecdochical boundary from neuron to consciousness. Where is it, precisely, that an electrically active neuron bestows the synchrony of "thought"? Where is it, precisely, that my atoms end and the keyboard’s atoms begin? ...Where is it that anything really ends and everything really begins?

Zeno of Elea asked similar questions long ago, questions that would employ mathematicians and philosophers for millennia. And some of these questions remain unanswered despite Grigori’s best attempts. But is it possible that the nature of a boundary is purely semantical? Our touted “intelligence” as a species is attributed by most anthropologists and biologists to our ability to communicate through language. This evolutionary feature, many would argue, was our best weapon against the odds of extinction; yet, the innate irony to this notion is that language itself is a boundary. And a rigid one at that.

The same sphere that Grigori masterfully described may as well be a “circle,” or a “horse,” or a “really complicated thing that I don’t really understand so I’m just going to use it as a metaphor for my next blog entry because I can spin it around to get at what I’m really talking about”: “The Continuum”. The Continuum in which we think-therefore-we-exist is beyond mathematics, beyond science, and certainly beyond language. We may have an arsenal of words at our disposal, ready to strike the beleaguered mystery of the Universe, but their firepower is only as powerful as the boundary by which they describe. That is to say, words can only describe themselves in the context of other words. A lightbulb is an object that emits light, which is the spectrum of radiation that our photoreceptor cells can recognize, which is a continuum of radiation defined by different frequencies, which are periodic oscillations defined by T = 1/f...but do we now know anything more about the nature of a lightbulb at this point? We do only if we understand the definition and the context of all the subsequent words. But even then we find ourselves jumping from one claustrophobic boundary to the next, and so on until the nature of the original observation -- that of the lightbulb -- is lost.

The Continuum, then, is but the elegant nature of “something we really don’t understand,” and so we are left in a padded room with a few toys (i.e. words) to distract us. Unfortunately, the human brain seems incompatible with this maxim, so much so that we often seek answers in black-and-white absolutes and not in the gray honesty of The Continuum. This discontinuous, myopic perspective is ironically provided by words. To bring another philosopher into the discussion, Einstein provided us with possibly the most elegant step beyond The Boundary by leaving us with E = mc^2. This simple equation defines the contiguous nature between energy and mass -- both of which our flesh resonates. Where, precisely, these two entities merge into one is, again, a consequence of semantics.

And so to define something is to surrender its true nature. Just as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle states that the observation itself of a photon collapses that photon’s wave function, a definition itself of The Continuum collapses the nature of The Continuum. We cannot, however, live completely outside our quarantined existence -- at least not if we want to live in sanity. I am a student. I am a scientist. I am a musician. But one cannot adhere to these semantics as though their nature is static. The words themselves must by dynamic in order to adhere to their intended meaning. What it means to be “student” must be able to adapt, as I may some day still consider myself a “student (of the sciences),” even though I am a professor. And what we know now as “Christian,” or even “right” or “wrong” may change -- and should change -- as knowledge and technology advance our species into the nascent 21st Century. Surely it was once a “curse” of the demons for one to have delusions and hallucinations, whereas now it known as “schizophrenia;” and perhaps one day schizophrenia will be known as an abstraction of one’s dimensional existence that is ill-defined by a 2-manifold in the quantum consciousness of humankind’s realm. It would be black-and-white hubris to think otherwise, as what is true is what is continuous, not what is defined.

Mar 30, 2009

For What It's Worth

I lie awake while viruses tear apart my lungs. It's nothing too severe, yet enough to shackle me in my sheets. And certainly enough to cause complaint. I'm not good with feeling stationary. In fact, the fear of being stationary is the dominating motive behind my chosen career in neurodegenerative research: to provide "movement" to those who have none. I suppose it's a metaphor for movement of the soul. And I do expend my movement with great strides. Yet, ironically, I often pause in appreciation for my dynamic life. Tonight is precisely one of those moments.

The feats of my still-juvenile life are many. Not all have been successes, yet the effort to embark has usually been a success. In other words, when I give an attempt, I may not succeed at the task before me but I'll at least put all I'm worth into trying. Or I won't try at all. The latter has largely been the excuse for me denying my musical talents beyond open-mic opportunities because if I were to do so, it would siphon valuable time from my Ph.D. research -- something that is currently receiving some "all I'm worth" effort. In regards to less gargantuan tasks, it seems that whether I throw a party, make a flier for an event, or update my blog, if I'm not going to allocate appropriate time to "do it right," then I'll wait until I can.

Perhaps being single for over two years is another, more poignant example. Girlfriends are "expensive" in many ways, and if I'm to embark upon obtaining "boyfriend" status, I had better be willing to invest all I'm worth or not invest at all...right? Well....Wrong. Or so recent musings have whispered. The problem with my rather perfectionist behavior described above is that it doesn't move -- it's rigid. Just like a favorite song buried among a mediocre album, sometimes the process of discovery makes even a failed journey worthwhile.

I don't need to fear failure (of a relationship) because there can be so many successful discoveries (within someone else, as well as myself) along the way. Hence, not everything, I suppose, needs to be packaged in a nice and tidy bow in order to be "complete". I write songs that way, no doubt, and I usually write blog entries that way as well (which is why it's been so long since I've properly 'breathed" on this blog). But that isn't the only process from which I can exercise movement. What fantastic women have I been avoiding for nearly two and a half years because I wasn't in the mental place to put all of my efforts into a relationship? The answer is likely many. But alas, I sit here chained to my sheets by coughs and sniffles. And I'm alone. By choice. This is not movement.

Even my ever-evolving, ever-challenging relationship with science gleams with the lure of discovery. Science is never packaged in a tidy bow of perfectionism. Yet, it embodies a relationship that I invested in long ago with little reservation. We may not be together forever -- in fact, we nearly "broke up" permanently a few months back. But the process of discovering this beautiful entity, laden with movement, in itself has fueled my process to discover movement for stationary people. And so to fail is not to stop moving; rather, to fail is not to start moving.

Mar 22, 2009

d.J Presents: Red


This mix was intended as a hypnotic exploration through the psychology of human "interaction" - I feel it's my best thus far. It took nearly six months of patience until I was convinced that I had found the right tracks (or until they had found me) to tell this story. I wanted to find tracks that, while from a different place or time, seemed as though they were made for each other, much like the cosmic coincidences that often spark our human relationships. Accordingly, Red is a story of how we as humans interact, from introduction to embrace. Hopefully the mix will take through this journey.

If under no other circumstances, close you eyes, open your mind, and awaken 70 minutes later.
I hope you enjoy. Dowload Red HERE

(as always, remember to set your music software and/or listen to as a "gapless" album)

Feb 19, 2009

(spacebar)


Wow, this past month has flown by, which I suppose could be interpreted as fast or slow depending on the particular flight vector we're talking about. Satellites fly through the night sky really "fast," but that's relative to a "stationary" observer on the Earth's surface. You would need the Lorentz Transformation (two-dimensional distillate below)
to really understand how "fast" or "slow" something has moved. In the context of this last month, I would say it has flown by at about the speed of a flying bee relative to a flying fly, which brings up another point on eponymous names, like the "organge". Were the early Anglo-Saxons really at a creative loss of what to call "that small thing over there that flies"? And was an orange named after the color or was the color named after the orange? Without boring myself with the etymology of the word, 'orange," I'm willing to bet it was the former since the Anglo-Saxons (being in England, of course) probably didn't even see an orange fruit until the 15th Century brought about feasible global exploration.


While on the subject of potting clay, I don't really have time to update my blog right now, but I certainly hope to soon - i miss it. Look for a post that I've been musing upon about the nature of boundaries and how they describe and dictate our lives - especially the intangible variety. In the meantime, I nabbed the below image from a friend. It speaks to me in so many ways...

Jan 20, 2009

The End of an Error; The Beginning of an Era

An African American hand, that of President Barack Obama, taking oath upon the bible of Abraham Lincoln - a truly American story.

"Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

-Barack Hussein Obama II, January 20th, 2009, 44th President of the United States of America

Jan 14, 2009

Farewell (for now), Ryan.

On the Cardinal Cave:

me- 34-a non smoker and happy, for the first time in my life.. i am excited to finish this wonderful time i have had with the cardinals and whatever new adventures may come after march. atlanta will be my last venture with the band and i am grateful for the time we have had and maybe someday we will have more stories to tell together. i am however ready for quieter times as i think it is very evident i am struggling with some balance and hearing issues.

also, no drama or anything but i am okay to step back from all of this right now and i think i did enough manic blogging when i felt alone and isolated during the last few years of travel. these last few years were the hardest i can remember and the most rewarding but i have loved ones to care for now and i am lucky i have been given a chance to turn around and see just what i am capable of as a friend and as someone who is not gone forever every year- it rendered me incapable of things i needed to be to myself and others- and my schedule sometimes never ended when the shows did- and some of that was my doing. and i lost someone i loved, and i lost myself.

that changed. i got to know just who i am in this little spell of time here recently. and change is the nature of the world and i naturally embrace that.

i won’t be blogging here anymore either- but not for effect- it just is not being kind to myself- i need a life that is mine- i need to grow up and grow in to who i have subtly been working back towards since i stopped all that nonsense and i know also no matter what i choose to do in the music world, because i chose to do things my way and never lie i will always be viewed as an “asshole” ( i hear and have seen things in the past) and i am not, and i know the truth and i know who i am.

also it is kind of ridiculous to blog as because i am a musician and anything i say here just gets reprinted at some point out of context. i say NOT FAIR but it doesn’t matter what i say anymore or what is fair anymore really does it- the 21st century media has it’s own rules about what is true and what is not. it is not a life- not one i want to live anyway and i don’t really care to participate in narcissistic over-indulgent behavior anymore- that was never my intention- i just wanted to fight for my right to make music and to be given the benefit of the doubt. now, because i have stood up for myself and fought for myself i am labeled all kinds of awful things. well, i will walk away now and it will not matter what anyone say’s. there are other things i can do in this life, other ways to be creative and to try and help others and be expressive without being demonized for attempting to gain the same things any other human being desires- love- friendship- understanding- and being able to express yourself without constant fear of being mistreated for speaking up

. i have friends to make, brand new books coming (two of em’ not counting that one already printed and on it’s way out there and i LOVE writing….yay!)and a whole lot of living and learning to do.

i am excited to step away. i lost more than anyone will ever know (hearing, soneone i loved, my sense of dignity, a never ending losing battle with stage fright and now my hearing and balance due to an inner ear issue- people accusing me of not being sober when i am suffering tremendous pain and nausea from my inner ear symptoms- people accusing me of theft (THEFT- ….awful) and this is not much of a life, not glamorous like those ridiculous video’s a long time ago television played and no it is not monetarily as rewarding as people would like you to believe and yes, it is soul destroying. especially when you spend your life trying to write about the really difficult stuff and you stand there losing your way and people yell at you like you were in a circus. when it was your dream to matter and you realize one day, it never mattered- i mean, i am a punch-line and a footnote in what is worse to yell at someone besides “free-bird”. i mean, i lost. and it’s okay because i seriously snuck some pretty neat idea’s in there in the work when i was making those mistakes or they were being made by others. this business is no science.

andf you know, whatever this is- it’s not my dream. and it is a punishing thing to endure when you are getting worse and worse- it’s not my dream, my dream was mike watt’s crazy shaking leg and electric fingers- or how sonics droned into beautiful cluds and how it felt to just let go and static up a riff and find the sweet spot- but getting yelled at for just being a songwriter- to be called so many horrid things because i chose to love music so much, and also to look for peace and balance in my life- that is not kindness and just not my thing. at least not now.

quitting smoking was a good step and i am happy i also am just now beginning to understand how important it is i take better care of myself in every way right now.

anyway, enjoy these shows and know that i am not abandoning anyone and that i loved playing music in the cardinals and hell, even before i was in a place to try and learn to be well, music was my life source-

maybe i will play again sometime but this is the time for me to step back now, and i wish everyone peace and happiness and if music is your dream, or if just dreaming is your dream, may you find your way through the rough patch with ease and i hope you let go and it takes you all the way there-

loving kindness to all.

R