Excuse Me Grandma, Could You Please Pass Me Some More Of Your Delicious "Chidurcock"?

While I certainly have never eaten one, I bet the Chidurcock is good in all of its fleshy wholesomeness. I've never really appreciated Thanksgiving like so many other Americans, most likely because of my unique eating disorder, called "health-and-quality-edibles-only-exia" -- unique, yet a simple euphamism shared by all all eating disorders: control freak. I do, however, appreciate the clever amalgams that Americans dream up to ensure the holiday will be, pardon the pun, fresh. Example: the "Turducken," which I'm told is a turkey stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a chicken. Now, I'm not going to ponder the size-limitations instrinsic to each bird that may quell such ostentatious feats of culinary artistry, but I will give them (us?) credit for creativity. I have had quite a laugh coming up with the seemingly endless possibilities of avian matryoshka food, such as the "Chidurkey," the "Durtuken," or my favorite, the "Chidurcock," which is obviously a chicken stuffed inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey stuffed inside of a peacock stuffed inside of your mouth. Mmmmmm. But since I don't eat meat (excluding small arctic seals), I assume carnivors eat any living creatures, including peacocks. Why not? The added bonus would be plenty of colorful Christmas decor ready to deck the walls on the following Friday.

Out of "Respek" for my fellow carnivores, I should confess the absurdity of my own Thanksgiving delight, the "Tofurkey". This rare species is a delicacy among us vegetarians, foraging the medium-sized, but not too big island of Veggistan (oh, those poor people that actually live in these "[Mad Lib noun]istan" countries that have to put up with incessant ignorance and ridicoule from the good 'ol US of A). Ahem, however, the Veggistanian tofurkey population is disappearing at an alarming rate, something I'm sure most liberal vegetarian wackos would be concerned about. The good news is that the tofurkey population is easily controlled because their slaughter is nowhere near the genocide endured by its Darwinian cousin, the Chidurcock -- which, mind you, amounts to four dead birds per meal! Furthermore, tofurkeys are benefiting from increased public awareness resulting from Al Gore's new slide show, "A Convenient Truth: if the torfurkey population increases, global warming will decrease". Think about it. It's the same logic linking the decline in the number of pirates with the increase in global warnming (see the Flying Spaghetti Monster for more details). Clearly, all we need to do is increase the tofurkey population (which I said is easy to do, remember?) and we will have plenty of tofurkeys and small acrtic seals for our kids to enjoy. I just love it when things work out!

Despite the endangered tofurkey population and increasing global warming, I was able to savor some soybean-flavored blood on Thanksgiving because, after all, Thanksgiving is a holiday celebrating gluttony; it is a holiday that anoints all guilt; it is purely American. And so on that note, I would like to end with a toast to the Puritans. It is the Puritans -- the founders of Thanksgiving, the planters of tofurkeys everywhere from the beaches of southern California of Redondo to Calabassos, to Khe San and Lan Doc and Hill 364, and the fashion icons of pirate garb that may someday save our warming planet -- that I am most thankful. Happy Mailman Day, everyone.

Create Your Wave

It is no secret that I am a progressive, liberal-minded individual. I am, however, no Democrat. Despite this, I would be lying to say that I am not pleased with last night's midterm election results. The United States government has been devouring itself and the greater good of mankind (environment, wealth distribution, war, ect.) for many, many years. I don't, however, think that the gluttony is a result of Republicans, Democrats, or Republicrats; rather, the gluttony is the result of a taciturn, satiated American public that is allowing the government to become a voracious monster. What happened in last night's elections was not, in my eyes, a victory for the Democratic Party -- it was a victory for change. We need change. And we need it now. Excuse that bumper-stickered expression, but in a technological age that has advanced the human race into a global society, the ramifications of bumptious nationalism and raw ignorance have much more potency than they did even 20 years ago. As the most powerful nation on the planet -- at least in terms of wealth, innovation, and technology -- it is our mandate to embrace our anemic planet. We have not been doing that. Instead, corruption has unwound the threads that bind our country's integrity, and as a result of our incredible power, has destabilize the entire planet. Corruption has even infected the meaning of Freedom: "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint" (Oxford dictionary). After reading that and considering our current plight, it is clear that freedom is not necessarily granted if you are poor, gay, atheist, Native American...

I don't, however, think America or any other governed people have ever been truly "free". The human being is just too fallible. But that should not prevent us from trying. In recent years, freedom has been regressing, not progressing. Most of this effect is the result of the nicely packaged hysteria sold as "9/11". I fear that governments have learned from the Nazi regime, but not in a way to prevent such atrocities from happening again; rather, they have learned how to make the atrocities invisible. Why force away freedom if you can convince the public to vote it away? In our current president's own words, "You are either for us or against us". This is not too dissimilar from "You are a traitor if you don't support the president," which, of course, sounds a lot like the propaganda from a particular 20th Century nationalist government. But that type of rhetoric was precisely the chant following 9/11 and it continues to persist today...or at least until yesterday. I now see a crack, a glimmer of hope -- not a "wave" as many political pundits are dubbing -- but a change nonetheless. The salt in this sweet drink is that the "change" voted on yesterday is likely embodied by more homogeneous, robotic republocrats that will waste time hitting back on the playground while America continues its obscene feast on Planet Earth.

But I am an optimist, especially about the potential of the American people. I urge you to be active in upcoming political endeavors. It is important; it is your mandate. Apathy, while inert in primitive, local villages, is too dangerous in our technological, global village. So please step with care. Don't be duped by what you are sold by your church, your cable television, your gasoline automobile, your "conveniences". Someone, somewhere is collecting your debt in the form of war, hunger, disease, and death. In the cautionary words of Voltaire, "Those that can convince you of absurdities can make you commit atrocities". America is unfortunately being convinced of a plethora of absurdities and committing numerous atrocites. But you can help change that.

And so I leave you with the wisdom of Gandhi as a mantra for our future: "Be The Change You Want To See In The World". Godspeed America.

Portland, My Portland

My lovely city has been showing her best face lately and I wanted to share some of our recent photo shoots. Isn't she hot?! Click on the photos to enlarge them.

***Election reminder: don't forget to be an EDUCATED voter tomorrow. Know your candidates; know your issues. If you do not, leave that particular vote blank for the people that are educated (like John Kerry! ...that's a joke...really....). Contrary to popular belief, skipping a single vote does NOT nullify the rest of your ballot. And since this is my blog, I will take the liberty to encourage you to VOTE FOR CHANGE on the national level!